Here’s What Your Spotify Wrapped Says About You
Here’s What Your Spotify Wrapped Says About You
Spoiler alert: a lot of you have mental illness
This Wednesday was the biggest day of the year for people who mention they’re empaths in every conversation — that’s right, it was Spotify Wrapped day.
For you Apple Music users who sat back while the rest of us had all the fun, Spotify Wrapped is an annual personalized recap that gives Spotify listeners a deep dive into their most memorable streaming moments of the year. It’s fun, it’s a little embarrassing, and of course, it’s gonna be accurate! It’s your data, silly. Don’t you just love how the apex of late-stage capitalism has brought us an entire day dedicated to the intersection of consumerism, technology, and “Microsoft WordArt” graphic design?
But something about this year’s Spotify Wrapped felt a little off, and it wasn’t just the fact that I spent 1,089 minutes listening to Taylor Swift. Maybe it’s because everything in the world sounds chronically online? Even Spotify is yassified …
It’s like the UX designers at Spotify watched one TikTok and made it their personality. Something tells me there’s only one person who could be behind this:
In any case, seeing how my friends listened to their favorite music this year was like a glimpse into their crazy little depressed brains. Disclaimer: there’s no need to be ashamed of the music you enjoy listening to, although Carhartt-beanie-cuffed-jeans indie boys might gaslight us into thinking otherwise. However, I couldn’t help but have a few thoughts about everyone’s top Spotify artists. Here’s what your Spotify Wrapped says about you, according to good soup standards.
Charli XCX: Poppers are your recreational drug of choice.
Phoebe Bridgers: You are sick, and you’re married, and you might be dying? Just kidding, but you do have serious daddy issues.
Taylor Swift: You’re either a late-in-life fan who’s suddenly recognized your internalized misogyny as the reason for hating Taylor Swift, or you’ve been a die-hard Swiftie since her debut album. Either way, you’re sexy… and a little scary.
One Direction: You were bullied in high school because you cried when Zayn left the band in 2015. Since then, you went off to college and had a major glow up. Now, you look forward to Thanksgiving Eve at your hometown bar every year to rub it in their faces.
Olivia Rodrigo: You’ve never gotten over your first heartbreak, your high school crush who you met in Drama Club.
The Beatles: Classic rock is your favorite genre, and you’ll go to great lengths to make sure everyone knows it. In fact, you binge-watched all eight hours of The Beatles: Get Back documentary on Disney+ over Thanksgiving weekend. Now you’re chain-smoking “ciggies” and performing an unauthorized concert on the roof of your campus apartment. You’re being evicted.
Drake: I hate to break it to you, but you’re the “Where my hug at?” guy in the friend group that every girl tries to avoid.
Doja Cat: You ran a semi-famous Tumblr fashion blog in 2013.
Kanye West: Much like Ye, your year was full of ups and downs, but the idea of entering 2022 in a matter of weeks is making you feel overwhelmed. I mean, you still can’t figure out whether the dress was black and blue or white and gold! For now, you’re just mad because the featured image on your Spotify Wrapped is a black square.
Sea Shanties: Your favorite smell is the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland.
Bo Burnham’s “Inside”: Get away from me.
Glee Cast: Taste.
