Jake Gyllenhaal found screaming, crying, throwing up.
What three things do all chronically online people have in common? Musical theater, Real Housewives, and being a Swiftie.
“You’re Gonna Be Popular, Yuh” — Ariana Grande, probably
Last week, it was announced that ultimate pop girl Ariana Grande will be playing Glinda the Good Witch in the upcoming movie musical adaptation of Wicked — the biggest news of the year for people who are the human embodiment of this tweet.
Ariana Grande took to Instagram to share the good news alongside Tony Award-winner Cynthia Erivo, who will be playing Elphaba, and In the Heights director Jon M. Chu.
Further casting and release details are unknown about the film, but we do know one thing to be true: keep James Corden as far away from this project as possible. No, seriously. A Change.org petition to Universal Studios entitled “Keep James Corden out of Wicked the movie” has already gained over 84,000 signatures (and I will be signing). It’s truly a noble cause, and after he stopped LA traffic to hip thrust at people stuck in a flash mob, I think keeping James Corden at least 500 feet away from anything Wicked-related is our only option.
But I just have to ask: has anyone checked in on Lea Michele? Do we know if she is okay? Between Beanie Feldstein being revealed as Fanny Brice in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl last month and now missing out on the Wicked movie, Lea Michele’s joker origin story has officially begun. Pleek!
The Room Where It Happened (The Beauty Lab + Laser Parking Lot)
Bravo’s The Real Housewives franchise has surpassed the reality television genre and is fully in the realm of true crime. Last Sunday, the culmination of everything we’ve been waiting for on this season of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City finally graced our screens: Jen Shah’s arrest. For those who are unfamiliar (explaining Housewives drama to the uninitiated is actually my full-time job), RHOSLC star Jen Shah was arrested in March 2021 for her alleged role in a nationwide telemarketing scheme that defrauded “hundreds of victims,” according to reports. I think the FBI also read this Vulture article where Jen Shah explained her business and said wait...what?
Shah and her assistant Stuart Smith (who’s also made many appearances on the show as a member of the “Shah Squad”) were both charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud and conspiracy to commit money laundering. Woof.
The entire event played out on television like it was a James Cameron film scored by Hans Zimmer. There’s your main character Jen Shah — your unreliable narrator, if you will. Shah receives an anonymous phone call, possibly tipping her off that the feds are coming to arrest her, and makes a stealthy escape from the van that’s set to drive the ladies to their first group trip of the season. Not to mention her bizarre excuse for leaving: her husband Sharrieff is in the hospital with internal bleeding (which was, surprise, not true).
Just twelve minutes after Jen leaves the Beauty Lab + Laser parking lot (which should now be considered a national monument), the van and production team are swarmed by law enforcement — including members of Homeland Security and the New York Police Department — asking for Jen. Of course, in true Housewives fashion, they thought the police officers were strippers. If only they were strippers, Whitney, if only.
The drama is sure to continue in next Sunday’s episode. Did I mention that one of the housewives being a possible cult leader is another dramatic plotline this season? No? Well, yeah, there’s that too.
Red Album Re-Release, also known as D-Day for Jake Gyllenhaal
Today marks the re-release of Taylor Swift’s 2012 album Red. Since 2019, Swift has endured a long legal battle to acquire the ownership of the master recordings of her first six studio albums. So, as any girlboss would, Swift announced that she is re-recording the albums to own the complete rights to her music herself. We were all happy and full of love when Swift released Fearless (Taylor’s Version) in April. Now it’s autumn, and we’re all depressed, so what better way to ring in daylight savings time than with Red (Taylor’s Version) — the ultimate breakup album and piece of anti-Jake Gyllenhaal propaganda (he didn’t show up to her 21st birthday party, you guys).
To all the golden retriever boyfriends, beware of your girlfriend during this time. Taylor Swift’s All Too Well short film and a Phoebe Bridgers feature will convince her to break up with you so she can authentically listen to the music. In that case, here’s a list of things you can do to prepare for the chaos that will ensue today:
Unblock your ex on Instagram, like one of their pictures, and then block them again.
Go through old Snapchat memories from when you were actually happy.
Start a situationship with an old high school crush who will eventually ghost you.
I wish all of my exes a very pleasant Red (Taylor’s Version) season.