Mark Zuckerberg is in his flop era.
Plus, new Adele music and a major scientific breakthrough.
The simulation is glitching. I think that sometime after the Yanny v. Laurel debate we entered a different spacetime continuum. Instead of the universe we used to know, we’re now living in the universe where NBC’s 30 Rock (2006-2013) exists. There is no Tina Fey, only Liz Lemon. My evidence for this reasoning? Exhibit A:
Earlier this week, production began in London on an upcoming movie musical that stars Timothée Chalamet as a young Willy Wonka.
The film will mark the first time Chalamet shows off his singing and dancing skills on the big screen, but real ones know about Lil Timmy-Tim’s “Statistics” video.
I digress. In the past five years, Hollywood has perpetually fueled the biopic genre — most recently with movies such as Respect, Judy, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Still, I just can’t help but think that every biographical adaptation looks eerily similar to when 30 Rock’s Jenna Maroney played Janis Joplin in the unauthorized biopic, Sing Them Blues White Girl: The Jackie Jormp-Jomp Story.
Not to mention the fact that there is actually a decades-long battle to make a movie about the iconic ‘60s singer, with actresses from the late Brittany Murphy to Michelle Williams tapped to play Janis. But much like in 30 Rock, these movies also failed to secure any life or song rights.
Further evidence of my theory that we’re living in the 30 Rock universe is as follows. Exhibit B: FBOY Island, which premiered in July, is a dating competition series on HBO Max where three women are tasked to find love without getting played. If we’ve learned anything from The Bachelor and its many, many franchises, maybe a reality show isn’t the best place to find love?
The women are joined in the Cayman Islands by 12 “nice guys” seeking a relationship and 12 self-proclaimed “fuck boys” who are just after the cash prize of $100,000.
This is not to be confused with one of 30 Rock’s show-within-a-show, called MILF Island — its tagline: 25 Super-Hot Moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules. When contestants are kicked off of FBOY Island, host Nikki Glaser declares, “F-boy, f-bye.” And when it came down to Debra v. Deborah in the MILF Island finale, the show’s host proclaimed, “We no longer want to hit that. Get off MILF island.”
If anyone wants to fund my research on this groundbreaking discovery, you know where to find me.
I Survived The 2021 Instagram Outage And All I Got Was This T-Shirt
On Monday, Instagram, Facebook, and instant messaging service WhatsApp — all of which are owned by Facebook — faced major outages for nearly six hours. That’s enough time to read a couple hundred pages in a book, or go to a museum, or sit in a park and finally touch some grass!
With conservative aunts finally free from the demands of conducting their own “vaccine research” via Facebook, people flocked to Twitter instead. Twitter users welcomed these transplants with open arms, sort of.
For a second there, I felt a glimmer of hope that Instagram may have been shut down for good. But alas, I’ll continue to post Spotify links on my Instagram story for absolutely no one to care about. My thoughts and prayers are with the poor girl whose Instagram post was stuck at the top of my feed for six hours.
Sad Girl Fall Is Upon Us
Adele is back. On Tuesday, the British singer said hello with a teaser for her new single “Easy On Me,” set for release on Oct. 15.
The drama. Between Adele and Kacey Musgraves’s breakup album “star-crossed,” I suddenly want a divorce. That same day, Mitski returned from an extended hiatus with a new song, called “Working for the Knife,” and an equally emo music video. The absolute audacity of Mitski to release new music at ten in the morning.
In the new song, Mitski sings, “I cry at the start of every movie, I guess 'cause I wish I was making things too.” Yeah, me too. Why else do you think I started this newsletter? To make things better (or worse), Taylor Swift announced on Sept. 30 that the re-recording of her 2012 album Red will be released on Nov. 12.
I hate to let Megan Thee Stallion down, but hot girl summer was a bust. Not only was the Delta variant running these streets, but my lack of employment burnt such a hole in my wallet that I might even force myself back into lockdown. I’ve fully accepted that my fragile Pisces heart just isn’t cut out for hot girl summer. She’s much better suited to Sad Girl Fall.
What is Sad Girl Fall, you ask? It’s cardigans, it’s mulled wine, it’s feeling nostalgic for things you’ve never even personally experienced. Between a new Mitski tour and a ten-minute version of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well,” Sad Girl Fall is exactly what we’re gonna get! Excuse me while I watch Gilmore Girls for the hundredth time.